Weird & Awesome Comic Book Ads of 1995!

And so, a new year slowly begins to approach on us. Rather than consider this year and all its brought, let’s continue to discuss things from nearly two dedades ago and talk about how they’re superior to all other decades, no exceptions. Yes, this sounds like a good plan!

So, lately, what I’ve been doing is collecting ads from random comic books I’ve kept on my hard drive, pasting them to MSPaint, saving them, and then compressing the .pngs to make a collection of whatever advertisements I can find. The comics are OK, I suppose, but for me, it’s the ads that are the interesting part. They’re basically the perfect time capsule of the 90’s, and as you have hopefully figured out by now, that’s kind of my thing. The comics themselves aren’t really all that special, although I came across a Freakazoid/Animaniacs crossover, which I should probably properly document sometime.

Yep. The perfect time capsule.

So, here are some of the ads from the year 1995 I think are the most interesting, notable, or hilarious.

Random Thoughts: The Elder Scrolls Arena

All right, first off, no, I’m not going to be talking about the entire game. I’ve never been that much of an Elder Scrolls fan, to be totally honest. I mean, they’re nice enough games, as far as RPGs go, they’ve just never gelled with me, for a few different reasons. For one thing, the standard fantasy setting just doesn’t tend to be my thing. I always went for Discworld more, but that never had any really big first-person RPGs about it, so you can see my problem there. What I’m going is take the first game in particular and point out a couple of things I thought was unusual about it.

For one thing, let’s do a quick comparison. Here’s the cover to Skyrim, which I’m assuming you’ve seen at somewhere not too long ago.

Simple and understated, but gives just a hint of what to expect about the game itself. Morrowind and Oblivion use the same kind of ‘symbol with the game’s name over it’ kind of motif. So, what would you be looking at in 1993?

Oh, my, there’s some big changes right there. And no, that’s not meant to be a boob joke. Unless you want it to be. Poor girl looks like she’s got spine issues of Lifieldian proportions. On the other hand, how many RPGs do you know where you can play as Genghis Khan?

Windows Wastelands: Q-Bob

Growing up, pretty much… let’s call it 40 percent, as a general estimate. of my gaming entertainment came from shareware. Shareware, for those of you youngins’ who don’t cling quite as desperately to the past like I do, was generally ware. That you share. Hence the name. More specifically, it was generally a demo version of a game that generally only had a small part of it avaiable, or might have had some extra features removed. However, you were free to share this cut-down version with as many people as you liked. Once you coughed up the cash, you would hopefully get the full, complete version of the game. That part, you weren’t supposed to share. A lot of times, this concept worked pretty well!

Doom, seen here being better than Alien Breed 3D.

Other times… not quite as much.

Super Angelo, seen here more than likely fleeing in terror from Nintendo’s lawyers.

Amiga Anarchy: Alien Breed 3D

Back in the 80’s, for the most part, the Amiga stood above pretty much all other computers. Even, as much as I hated to admit it, DOS. However, by the 90’s, new advances in graphics and technology had made DOS a real competitor to the Amiga. With the right hardware, you could have a DOS machine doing anything the Amiga was doing, and more. A-like so:

Wait, you mean murdering every guard in town and stealing their money is a BAD thing?

This is Ultima 4, from 1985.

Sorry, but that “Eeow!” isn’t making you look very threatening.

This is Ultima 7, from 1992. I’m sure there are better examples, but you get the picture. DOS went from being pretty much lowest on the totem pole in terms of computing, to the system that all others bowed down to. No, I’m not entirely biased, why? And then there was one game that would solidify DOS’s position forever. The great equalizer. The alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end.

Windows Wastelands: 3D Frog/Maze/Munch/Ms. Munch Man

Gather around, children, it’s story time. I’ve spent the last few articles mocking other people’s childhoods, it’s time I got around to mine. Back in that age of dinosaurs and volcanoes, when the world was young, I was a child. And not always the smartest child, to be totally honest. Much like any other child, I made some particularly… interesting choices when it comes to buying games.

Wait, you’re telling me that this ten dollar game I bought at Target might not be very good?

Amiga Anarchy: Ruff N’ Tumble

“Bobinator,” you might be saying, after looking at the last two posts. At least, I hope you did. If you didn’t, this hypothetical conversation is going to get weird. “Why do you keep saying that there’s a treasure trove of games we’ve never seen on the Amiga, and yet you keep putting up crap like Body Blows?” And my answer is that I honestly don’t know. Let’s fix that, though: I’m gonna put up what’s pretty much my favorite Amiga game ever, and what I would honestly say is the best.

FUCK YES

Why yes, that is a small child unloading an Uzi, presumably into somebody’s face just offscreen. It only gets better.

Swat Kats – The Radical Squadron – The Video Game

Yeah, yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve done Amiga stuff. I’ll get around to it, I swear. Let me make fun of my own childhood a little more first before I go make fun of some British dude’s.

It’s that time again, boys and girls. That’s right, story time, back in those olden days before I was the bitter old 20-something I am today, shaking his cane and telling all those damn CoD fans to get off of my lawn. Let me tell you about… Swat Kats. Or rather, it’s jank ass video game for the Super Nintendo. But not yet. Let me wallow in my nostalgia for a moment.

The 90’s, the decade that dared to say “You know what? Who needs the letter C anyway?”

The Lunchables/Sega Game Tips VHS

Growing up as a child of the late 90’s to early 2000’s, Lunchables were definitely a thing for me. As much as I wish they weren’t looking back. If you never heard of them, Lunchables are basically a pre-packaged set of processed food you put together to make something resembling food. They also come with candy and a Capri Sun fruit drink, which I dare say would be tastier than the actual thing you make. Still, they make a decent enough alternative to your average lunchroom food any day of the week.

Wow, not even the picture on the box makes that look appetizing. I’m impressed.

Amiga Anarchy: Body Blows/Body Blows Galactic

Hey, kids! Do you like Street Fighter 2? Well, why not spend your hard earned allowance on its new Amiga port?

Actually, let’s not.

So, the Amiga version of Street Fighter 2 has ended up as a complete mockery of everything that made the original great. The replacement of Ken’s girlfriend Eliza with a broom in a dress being just one of the list of grievances. Wipe your tears, though, because Team 17, those people you keep hearing are supposed to be really good at Amiga games, have the game for you!

“Hi, we’re Team 17, creators of Worms, the series which we must never, ever stop making games for, or we will instantly go bankrupt.”

Amiga Anarchy: Base Jumpers

So, hey, I’m bored, and I’ve got tons of free time. Here’s an idea: Let’s open some some game I’ve ever played, for some system I don’t know much about, and see what happens. This couldn’t possibly go wrong, could it?

Some people see “tragedy”. I see “adventure”!

Did I mention I never actually had an Amiga?