The Lunchables/Sega Game Tips VHS

Growing up as a child of the late 90’s to early 2000’s, Lunchables were definitely a thing for me. As much as I wish they weren’t looking back. If you never heard of them, Lunchables are basically a pre-packaged set of processed food you put together to make something resembling food. They also come with candy and a Capri Sun fruit drink, which I dare say would be tastier than the actual thing you make. Still, they make a decent enough alternative to your average lunchroom food any day of the week.

Wow, not even the picture on the box makes that look appetizing. I'm impressed.

Wow, not even the picture on the box makes that look appetizing. I’m impressed.

So, apparently, at one point in 1995, Oscar Mayer and Sega got together, and decided they should do some kind of cross promotion. It was hardly the only time they’d work together with a video game company, because I vaguely recall getting some tips for Donkey Kong 64 off of one of these. I’m honestly not sure how you even got one of these tapes. Probably something to do with proof of purchases, if I had to guess. So, would your efforts of saving up box tops and eating crappy processed foods be worth it?

…Not… really. I’ve taken the pictures from a particular upload of this off of Youtube, so thanks to EncoreEnterprisesLLC and many others for bringing this thing up where us modern day folks can see it.

Sure, he looks happy, but on the inside, he's crying because he didn't get a Playstation.

Sure, he looks happy, but on the inside, he’s crying because he didn’t get a Playstation.

So the video starts off with this kid running into his room, smiling like a total doof, Sega Genesis tucked under an arm. “Oh yeah!” he thinks, “Got my Genesis and my Oscar Mayer Lunchables Lunch Combinations Game Tips Video.” Apparently, even in this kid’s thoughts, he even makes sure to remember the exact brand name. As he inserts the video into his VHS player, he continues, “I’ll be the most awesome player in the known UNIVERSE!”

Er, hate to break it to you, kid, but given these tips, I’d be surprised if you end up the best player in the county.

In the 90's, getting pulled into your TV was a major epidemic. It could happen to Gex, it could happen to Garfield, and it sure as hell could happen to you.

In the 90’s, getting pulled into your TV was a major epidemic. It could happen to Gex, it could happen to Garfield, and it sure as hell could happen to you.

So then this robot arm reaches out and grabs the kid around his waist, probably crushing a few of his ribs as it jerks him into the television set. Welcome to prime time, indeed.

Lunchables3

So the kid obviously isn’t happy to be here in this alternate dimension of. You can tell because he’s twitching everywhere and practically panting. The main reason I took this picture is to show what he’s wearing. Look at that. Flannel button-up shirt, backwards baseball cap… if we all try, one day, ONE DAY… we can all end up as awesome as this kid.

Lunchables4

You can’t see it here very well, but the kid’s currently standing next to some kind of metal chair. A metal chair in some kind of alternate, all-Lunchables dimension. So what does this kid do?

He sits his ass right down on that thing. Wouldn't you?

He sits his ass right down on that thing. Wouldn’t you?

He’s then sent rocketing through a tunnel made of bad CGI, while blaring buttrock assaults his eardrums. It’s probably rather painful, given how much he’s screaming all the way through. The next 20 seconds (yes, 20, I counted) is just this kid screaming in horror as he keeps getting rocketed forward through this mysterious hell tunnel. And what’s at the end?

I've seen stalactites. Those aren't stalactites. Stalactites don't PULSATE.

I’ve seen stalactites. Those aren’t stalactites. Stalactites don’t PULSATE.

Maybe he ended up in some kind of inter-dimensional sewer, for all we know. The chair manages to stop just before the kid gets his face rammed into… whatever that is, and he finally stops screaming.

And then he reaches right out and touches it. You're never going to be best Genesis player in the universe if you keep making amateur mistakes like that, kid.

And then he reaches right out and touches it. You’re never going to be best Genesis player in the universe if you keep making amateur mistakes like that, kid.

Judging by his reaction of quickly pulling his hand back and putting his fingers in his mouth, it’s apparently very hot. Man, this video is sick. And not in that good 90’s way, either. The lord of this Lunchables dimension takes umbrage to this insult, because the kid soon plummets downward, still screaming all the way.

I'm pretty sure this was a fatality in a Mortal Kombat game.

I’m pretty sure this was a fatality in a Mortal Kombat game.

Eventually, the ride stops, and the kid ends up in front of a door saying ‘Next Level’. You know, because advertising campaigns.

Lunchables9

I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be lava, or molten Kool-Aid down there.

Did anybody ever see the Jetsons episode of Harvey Birdman? This kid is going to end up like that.

Did anybody ever see the Jetsons episode of Harvey Birdman? This kid is going to end up like that.

As soon as he steps forward, the platform just moves right over to the other end of the bridge, because apparently, nobody in this dimension can just walk anywhere.

Steal things from places you've never been to, kids!

Steal things from places you’ve never been to, kids!

On the other side of the bridge is a computer, holding some sort of Sega cartridge. The kid puts it right in his pocket, because clearly, there’s no way stealing things from Lunchables Hell could ever backfire on him. The kid then pushes a button, ends up getting shocked a few times by something, and then we go to this:

Lunchables12

So, after about two and half minutes of an about eight and a half video, we finally get to the tips we were so promised. Now, given the age range for this sort of thing, don’t expect to hear anything you didn’t already know. In fact, don’t expect to hear anything that isn’t blindingly, painfully, obvious.

Also, all these tips are narrated by some guy who couldn’t be more enthusiastic if he tried. Seriously, he sounds like narrating really obvious gameplay hints is the one thing in life he was born to do.

And here we see why these tips aren’t going to be much help: See those empty squares to the right of Sonic? That’s the passage this tip tells you to go down. If you miss it, you’ve either never played a video game before, or you’re four years old. Or both, if you’re really that dumb.

I won’t be reading out all the tips, because some of them are actually somewhat useful. There’s a tip for Ristar that tells you how to find the first bonus stage, for example, and those CAN be a real bitch to find.

Lunchables13

Here he talks about a tip for Ecco II: The Tides of Time. I just thought it was funny because of the way he’s saying “3 circles inside each other.” He’s almost whispering, like he’s telling you some sort of secret. You can feel his arm wrapping around you, his mouth against his ear. “You know,” he whispers. “THAT secret 3D bonus stage.”

Only something based on Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog would have the creativity to call a robot with arms "Arms".

Only something based on Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog would have the creativity to call a robot with arms “Arms”.

OK, come on, what kind of tip is that? It doesn’t say how or when to do combos, it just says “Do combos”. That’s like giving a tip for Mortal Kombat like “To win, hit the other guy a lot!”. “Using combos is tough,” the narrator warns, “But with a little skill and practice you’ll be defeating Dr. Robotnik’s henchmen in no time flat!” Don’t patronize me, narrator. I liked Columns 3 better, anyway.

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But what if you can’t beat his henchmen in no time flat? Just cheat, says the narrator. I’m pretty sure using a cheat to skip to the end of the game doesn’t count as a ‘tip’, Lunchables. I don’t like these values you’re instilling in our children. By the way, I’m giving you this tip as a freebie. You won’t find this code ANYWHERE else on the internet, I assure you.

Lunchables16

OK, Lunchables, this game had a tutorial. I’m pretty sure you could find this out by, you know, PLAYING the game.

The game then gives another cheat code for Aladdin, but then it gives us this gem:

I'm sorry, but doesn't this apply to, you know, every game ever made?

I’m sorry, but doesn’t this apply to, you know, every game ever made?

Lunchables18THIS WAS ON THE BACK OF THE BOX

After that particular bit of stupidity, we cut to commercial. On a VHS. Yeah.

Lunchables19

So there’s this kid who’s in a really boring class. You can tell it’s boring because there’s a nasally-voiced teacher going over tommorow’s assignment. How totally grody to the max, right?

You and me both, kid.

You and me both, kid.

The kid turns this cry for help into a paper airplane, and through cartoon physics, ends up launching a box of Lunchables through the school window. I know better than to question these things.

Lunchables21

I’m not sure if it’s the video or if it’s supposed to look like this, but this kid has a seriously unhealthy green glow to his skin. I… I think you’ve had enough Lunchables, kid.

And now, back to our featured presentation of “helpful” “hints”.

Lunchables22

All right, there’s pretty much nothing in this tip that isn’t incredibly stupid. For one thing, if you got the fire shield, (you know, the thing that makes you completely invincible to the boss’s only attack) you probably don’t need help.

“If you don’t have the fire shield, wait for him to fire, then jump over the fire and hit him. Careful! Don’t fall off the edge!”  So you’re saying dodge his attacks and then hit him! Gasp! It’s almost like he’s the first boss of A SONIC GAME.

Lunchables23

what

Lunchables, what

It’s the first boss

You HIT HIM WITH YOUR ONLY ATTACK, AND THEN YOU HIT THE THING HE DROPS. THAT’S IT.

THAT’S NOT EVEN A BACKPACK.

I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S ACTUALLY A MONKEY.

I always liked the SNES version better. Feel free to send your hate mail straight to the blog.

I always liked the SNES version better. Feel free to send your hate mail straight to the blog.

“When the guards reach the other side, swing your sword to get rid of the guard once and for all.”  OK, one, the way you put that sounds really sinister, two, you’re saying wait until he gets close, then hit him? But I thought I wasn’t supposed to get close to enemies, because then it makes it easier for them to hit me! Make up your mind, Lunchables! Make up your mind!

Ah, this was a fun game. Sure was short, though. And having him fall into a pit and fie was a pretty weird ending. ...Wait, you mean there was more beyond that? You must be lying.

Ah, this was a fun game. Sure was short, though. And having him fall into a pit and fie was a pretty weird ending. …Wait, you mean there was more beyond that? You must be lying.

“Comix Zone! Coming this summer only on Sega Genesis! The first truly interactive comic book! Find yourself into the comic book world as Sketch Turner, real life artist –“

OK, hold up. I’m pretty sure if anybody in real life was named Sketch Turner, they’d get beaten up every day in their childhood and their adult lives. Continue.

“Warped into his own comic book, while his OWN drawing, the evil Mortus, escapes into REALITY! With the help of your pet rat Roadkill, you’ll have to use all your best fighting moves to defeat the mutant enemies Mortus draws right in front of you! If you fail to battle through all the panels –“

And you will, because this game is frickin’ impossible…

Seriously, I've made this jump, like, twice. And you don't even get continues up to this point.

Seriously, I’ve made this jump, like, twice. And you don’t even get continues up to this point.

“And complete the episode, you’ll be trapped in the Comix Zone… FOREVER! Hahahaha!”

Narrator, I’ve been listening to you and your voice for the last six minutes. You sound about as threatening as a box of sleeping puppies.

Lunchables27

But we already know this kid does more screaming than the victim of your average slasher flick, so it’s more than enough to get him waking up in a cold sweat. Wait, this whole thing was his dream, then? Geez, kid, maybe you’re not the only one who needs to tone down the Lunchables. Those things are full of salt, you know.

OR WAS IT???????????

OR WAS IT???????????

KILL NINTENDO

KILL NINTENDO

And then the kid jumps out at the last second and screams “SEGA!” at us. Advertising campaigns!

And so, that’s it. 8 minutes of more 90’s than any reasonable daily allowance of any adult, with six minutes of tips that anybody past the age of five would call you a total idiot for telling them. I can only wonder what kind of tips we’d get if these things were still a thing.

“In Call Of Duty Black Ops 2, keep your crosshairs held over your enemy as you fire for maximum damage. It may sound tricky, but with some practice, you’ll be mowing down hordes of foreigners like a pro!”

But don’t take my word for it! Check the video out yourself.

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