Intermission: Wiz N’ Liz

So I didn’t want to do a food game this week. Sorry, guys, but there’s only so many of those you can pull off in so many weeks. It’s not like I won’t ever do one again, but I just kind of need a break. I’ll make it up to you guys with an actually good game for once, I swear. Trust me, I need it.

So, what are we doing this week, instead? Well, let’s take a look at a little game for the Genesis. And the Amiga, too, I guess, but I like the music in the Genesis version better, so that’s what you’re getting. Deal. Anyway, this was one of the early games by Bizarre Creations, a company known for a bunch of racing games, Fur Fighters, which is also worth getting into at some point, since it’s basically Spyro the Dragon with guns, and no longer existing.

Guest starring the moon who will HAUNT YOUR DREAMS FOREVER

Welcome to Wiz N’ Liz, a game where everything’s just too damn crazy to explain itself to you. Rabbits… no, sorry, ‘wabbits’ have been disappearing off the face of the planet. Who took them? What do they want with them? What will happen if they aren’t there?

And why does the witch have boobs?

The answer to all these questions? Shut up and find them. You start the game off near your wizard’s hut, where you can pick your next stage and combine these disturbingly happy fruit into spells.

...I think the game is saying 'Mmm, butt pisser'. This game is scaring me, man.

Mixing two fruit together gives you different spells, which one you get depending on your particular combination. Some you WILL need to survive, because this game will crush you without their help. Some do nothing. Some exist simply to troll you, because this game is British. These two, however, the game gives to you as freebies, because you need them to open up the door to the stage select.

Sadly, there is no door for 'No Creepy Friggin' Moon Land'.

This is the stage select. Pick a door, it really doesn’t matter which one. Seriously, do I have to hold your hand through this entire game?

See this giant Grim Reaper? It suits this game better than you'd think.

OK, so, here’s how the game works. You, as your witch/wizard, have to collect enough wabbits to spill the word at the top of the screen. Once you do that, you can either just jump into the door that appears to start the second round, or you can pick up more wabbits for time-powerups and spell ingredients. Each stage has two rounds, which are both pretty much identical.

Also the game goes Yeah! if you do, which is awesome.

Now, at first glance, the game would seem pretty easy. There’s no enemies, no level hazards, not even any WALLS. You can loop across the level as many times as you want, and you will, because your character goes like 100 miles per hour the second you put finger to D-Pad. “OK wait,” you say. “This sounds kind of easy, and I see from all these pictures putting up that you do have lives. Can you actually die in this?”

I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED ALSO HAVE MORE NIGHTMARES

See that timer? That’s your only enemy. It’s the only enemy you NEED. It’s constantly ticking down as long as you’re in a level, and the only way to stop it is to retreat to the relative safety of your hut. You CAN extend your time by picking up time powerups from wabbits, but other than that? You’re pretty much boned, unless you’re lucky enough to find the powerup a wabbit may or may not drop that’ll give you 30 sweet, sweet seconds of continued living.

Pictured: Not continued living.

So, that’s pretty much the whole pattern to the game. Enter level. Pick up wabbits. Collect time and ingredients. Repeat. Mix fruit for spell, which could end up being anything from opening a shop to where you can buy new ingredients to freakin’ Snake. Yeah, the game about moving around a line and eating dots. That one. Probably die because of the timer.

So, what happens when you clear the seventh stage? You probably get some kind of short and sweet ending, right? Maybe you enter your name into the high scores?

wait what

Oh god what is this

Surprise! This game has boss fights. Which one you fight depends on your difficulty, but… yeah, they pretty much all look like this. Avoid the attacks of horrible abomination, blast it in the face with magic. Also, for the record, entering your name comes AFTER this. Also, no, the moon isn’t a secret final boss. I checked on Youtube.

So that’s Wiz N’ Liz! I know it sounds pretty simple, but it is a lot of fun when you actually play it. It’s fast, probably even faster than Sonic. Although that’s probably due to the way you’re pressured to constantly be on the move all the time. If you’ve got a second controller laying around, you can have a buddy experience the terror and panic together. Overall, if you’re into stuff that’s quick and arcade-y, you should totally go for this.

Totally wasn't lying about the Snake thing, by the way.

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